


A note on disappointment

by Junliet



Series: Shorter fics/one shots [2]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, Crying, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-10 08:14:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17422208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Junliet/pseuds/Junliet
Summary: Next to him on the podium was Yuzuru. He too was smiling, but the medal around his neck felt heavy, representing the pressure on his shoulders, and his smile was as fake as the plastic ice at low-grade pop-up rinks."I'm sorry" he thought, "the gold medal was in my grasp and I threw it away."Yuzuru doubting himself after the free skate at Worlds in 2016, featuring the best best Team Mom in the world: Tracy Wilson





	A note on disappointment

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, 
> 
> I decided to write this because I'm in a pretty bad place at the moment. Some people may be able to work out who I am from this. I'm currently dealing with a pretty painful failure that, no matter how many words people offer, I'm struggling to cope with. I've been beating myself up about it and had to let my emotions out. So, this story is as much about Yuzuru as it is about coping with failure in general.
> 
> I really struggle to cope with failure and, fairly recently, I've had two pretty big ones in my life. I'm still very young, and yet I feel like I've let down a lot of people by making my mistakes, and so I can only imagine how Hanyu was feeling after Worlds in 2016. The weight of expectation and pressure does amazing things to people.
> 
> If you are feeling like Yuzuru is in this, like you're not good enough or that you've let everyone down, please please please talk to someone. This is the part I struggle with the most too, so I know it isn't easy to tell people something like this, but it can be the best thing to do. 
> 
> This also doesn't feel finished, but I don't intend to add to it. Sorry. I may in the future.
> 
> Anyway, please enjoy the story

Javier smiled brightly, heart swelling with pride as he watched the Spanish flag rise to the sounds of La Marcha Real. Not only had he been the first Spanish person to win a medal at worlds, but he’d won his second title again with a flawless skate, only a few points off the world record. Javier was on top of the world, figuratively and literally, and he had another gold medal for Spain to inspire the skaters back home.

Next to him on the podium, watching the Japanese flag next to the Spanish one with a heavy heart and a throbbing foot was Yuzuru. He too was smiling, but the medal around his neck felt heavy, representing the pressure on his shoulders, and his smile was as fake as the plastic ice at low-grade pop-up rinks. Bile rose up into his mouth as he stepped down from the podium to skate around. He waved to the crowds who screamed at him in support with the smile everyone wanted to see, but the smile wasn’t right. Boyang Jin studied his face quietly for a moment before he took to smiling to the crowds instead.

 _I’m sorry._ Yuzuru wished he could scream the words to the crowd, to his fans watching online or on TV, to his family and federation. _I let you down. The gold medal was in my grasp and I threw it away._

_I’m sorry for wasting your money. You came to see me win and I failed._

_I’m sorry for wasting your time. You invested in me, Brian, and I wasn’t good enough._

_I’m sorry for putting strain on your marriage and for causing problems at home, Mum. I’m sorry for worrying you with every single injury and problem I have._

_I’m sorry for not being perfect._

“You okay?” Yuzuru emerged from his head, meeting Javier’s eyes. His normal bright sparks were dulled by concern. “What’s wrong? I’ve never seen you look so….”

Yuzuru shrugged, folding up the flag he’d been given numbly. “It’s nothing. Tired.”

Javier smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes, much like Yuzuru’s didn’t. “I understand.” He handed his flag back to the officials with a more genuine smile than the one he presented to Yuzuru. “Talk to me, yeah? Next year you’ll get it.”

“Stop this,” Yuzuru said firmly, skating past Javier to collect his blade guards and step off the ice. Javier followed him, doing the same.

“Stop what?”

“This,” Yuzuru said, gesturing to the Spaniard, “stop saying next year, next year, next year. It’s always next year. Never this year. I…. Just stop it.”

“I’m only trying to support you, Yuzuru, I just—”

“Why?” Yuzuru snapped, angry tears burning in his eyes as he prayed they wouldn’t fall. _Not here. Not here where so many people could see._

“Because we’re friends?” Javier asked, confused as he zipped up his jacket. “What’s… What have I done?”

“Nothing,” Yuzuru turned away, walking off. “Need bathroom. See you at the press conference.”

Javier watched him walk off, face falling before he shook his head and held his medal tightly in his hand, running his thumb over the cold metal of the gold.

In the bathroom, Yuzuru washed his face in a basin, gripping the sides of the sink as the tears fell.

 _I don’t know what happened,_ he thought to himself, _I don’t. I just… Why. I was on top of the world at the Grand Prix Final. I… What could possibly have happened in these few months? The injury? No, I skated fine on it in the short programme and nearly broke my record again, so what changed? Nothing physically. I’m just-_

Yuzuru let out a small sob, shaking his head as he turned the tap off and looked at himself in the mirror. His hair was slightly wild but he could blame that on the competition. His eyes were a little too red for his liking but there wasn’t much he could really do at this point. He didn’t have time to change anything significantly. Flattening his hair as much as possible and drying his face on a towel, he stepped out into the hallway and made his way towards the press conference.

He numbly sat down next to Javier, squeezing Pooh’s front paws lightly as the English words bounced around the room. After the day, he could barely understand Japanese let alone English. His translator didn’t mind too much.

“I’m not sure what to say, I’m disappointed,” Yuzuru heard her translate his words and he flinched slightly, looking down at Pooh sadly, “I want to do it over.”

Yuzuru squeezed Pooh’s nose, trying not to cry in front of everyone as Javier spoke up about winning.

“Before skating, I knew that I had a chance to win, but that I have to do a clean program,” Javier smiled to the journalist, “and I did!”

The group of journalists chuckled along with Javier and Boyang did too, half out of confusion. Yuzuru could only manage a weak smile for his teammate.

“It was the last program of the season,” Javier continued, and Yuzuru wrinkled his nose at that, a single tear dropping onto Pooh’s nose, “I didn’t think about how important it was for me to win or anything, just kept going from jump to jump.”

Yuzuru thanked his translator quietly as the press conference finished and he followed Javier and Boyang out towards the last bus back to their hotel. Subtly, Yuzuru blew his nose on one of Pooh’s tissues and took his bags to the bus. Instead of sitting next to Javier as he might have normally done, he took one of the corner seats at the back and tried to make himself look as small as possible in a very un-Yuzuru like manner. Unknown to him, Javier and Boyang exchanged a look that went beyond the language barrier.

“Hey,” Javier didn’t bother taking Yuzuru’s hint and sat down in the seat next to him, “talk to me Yuzu. What’s wrong?”

Yuzuru shrugged, turning away from Javier to look out of the window at Boston. “Nothing.”

“You don’t have to lie to me forever. Or are you trying to convince yourself?”

“Not lying. Nothing is wrong.” Yuzuru mumbled. Javier sighed and took Pooh out of his hands, holding the bear up to his ear seriously.

“Pooh says something is wrong but he won’t tell me what it is.”

“Pooh-san is lying.”

“Yuzu, please.”

“What do you want me to say Javi?” Yuzuru asked sadly, taking Pooh back quickly.

“I want you to tell me what’s wrong.”

Yuzuru frowned, shaking his head a little. “Not good. Don’t want to ruin your day.”

“Yuzu what’s up? Seriously.” Javier asked gently. No matter how hard he bit his lip, Yuzuru couldn’t keep back the tears.

“I failed,” he mumbled.

“Come again?” Javier asked gently.

“I failed again,” Yuzuru said a little louder, “I failed and I disappointed everyone. People… I just… The short was good and I thought maybe I could do it, but,” he gestured to his foot, “clearly I can’t do it.”

 Javier raised an eyebrow at him, frowning a little. “You can do it Yuzuru, that’s crazy. You’re great. This just wasn’t your year.”

“What if it’s never my year again?” Yuzuru said, vulnerability seeping into his voice. “I did well in the Grand Prix Final, but what if it’s never again? What if I never recover? I have let Japan down once again by losing the gold medal.” He flinched a little, shaking his head. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to be horrible to you. You skated very well. You deserve this.”

“It’s okay to be sad Yuzu,” Javier said softly, “and we’ll be there to help you get through this.”

Yuzuru shrugged sadly as he stepped off the bus. “See you at the gala,” he mumbled before he pulled his bags into the lift. Before Javier could follow him, the doors shut.

Yuzuru burst into tears, hiding his face from the security camera as he sobbed into his arms. The gold was this close, _this close_ , and it slipped out of his grasp. The weight of a country’s expectations had rested on his shoulders and he had crumbled and cracked under the pressure. Never before had he broken like this.

Had he?

 _Your free skate at the Olympics,_ a nagging voice pointed out, _you only won there because Patrick messed up more than you did._

_Worlds in 2013. Your free skate wasn’t good there too. It’s a miracle Japan got three spots for the Olympics at all._

_At Nationals your skates were messy._

Yuzuru unlocked his room numbly and took his things in, sitting on his bed with Pooh in his arms. The skating, dealing with the press, and the crying had worn him out. Without showering, he kicked off his trainers and took off his Team Japan jacket before he curled up with Pooh and cried himself to sleep.

“You look awful,” Tracy said as gently as she could at breakfast. Yuzuru winced and ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t mean to be rude,” Tracy corrected quickly, resting a hand on Yuzuru’s, “I just mean… You look like your world has come crashing down on you.”

Yuzuru’s eyes snapped up to meet hers and she smiled sadly. “I’m here for you, Yuzuru. Brian is too. I know it’s not perfect, and you wanted the gold medal, but, well, given your injury, silver isn’t bad.” She rubbed the back of his hand gently with her thumb. “There was a British politician who once said “Success is not final, failure is not fatal, and it’s the courage to continue that counts”. You, Yuzuru Hanyu, are the living embodiment of this quote. You fight through practice in a country miles away from home, with a language you still don’t really understand to improve in a sport that’s constantly changing and evolving. And you, Yuzuru, still manage to stay focused, and still manage to take this sport to new heights it has never been to before. So yeah, even legends have bad days, but were Johnny and Plushenko always flawless when you watched them?”

Yuzuru shook his head, eyes cast down and focused on his plate. Tracy smiled at him.

“Exactly. No one can be perfect all the time Yuzuru. And we are so incredibly proud of you this season. You’ve done so well, and you’ll keep doing so well because you work hard. Your efforts will be for something soon, I know they will. Together, we’ll get you through this.”

Yuzuru ran around the table and hugged her tightly, face hidden in her shoulder as she rubbed his shoulders and back gently.

“Thank you for saying what I can’t put into words.” Yuzuru mumbled, wiping his eyes quickly. Tracy smiled, rubbing his back soothingly.

“Like I said, we’re here to support you Yuzuru. You’re not alone. You’re never alone. I promise.”


End file.
